Words from A Gay Dude Who’s Been There

I recently have had some interesting happenings in the world of connecting up with people from the LGBTQ community who have come out of the closet during a heteronormative marriage. I won’t go into lengthy detail here, but I ended up chatting (and recording a podcast) with Rick Clemons.

rick

He is a professional speaker, author, podcaster and life strategist. To be honest, I didn’t know much about him in the beginning, but some of my friends here in Reno knew exactly who he was. This speaks volumes about his popularity, for lack of a better term. I can see why; he’s pretty rad when you chat with him, listen to his podcasts and read what he has to say.

He also is a man who came out of the closet to his wife. I reached out to him to offer any kind of support that I could for her, and I am grateful that he and I ended up chatting. I feel he has a platform that may help shed some light and acknowledgement of both sides of this closet, and I am thankful for him.

I will share more about the podcast we recorded when it is aired on Oct 11, 2016, which is National Coming Out Day. He kindly wants to acknowledge the straight spouse experience on that day, because for many of us, it is a day that will be a trigger for emotions and memories.

The link that I will attach here takes you to his Coming Out Lounge podcast blog section, and he speaks frankly about some pieces of advice. I felt it was spot on and may be something of interest to you as you go through your unique and often painful experience.

Here are his main points of what NOT to do and possible unrealistic expectations, and I encourage you to click on the link to read the whole post.

  1. Don’t tell anyone!
  2. Okay, you can be gay, but not in this town.
  3. Let’s not tell the children.
  4. Hey, I gave you what you wanted; now it’s my turn.
  5. Let’s make this work.
  6. Let me just go explore.

Now, to truly understand what he means, you really do need to click on the link below and read it. I found what he shared to be quite insightful, and he truly does understand that “there is no easy answer.”

Coming Out In A Marriage: 6 Unrealistic Expectations by Rick Clemons

Chat with you soon, Rick. Thanks for being a part of this thing called life.

And now I have that Prince song stuck in my head.

Live Life, Love Life, Impact Others,

Emily Reese

 

Here is his website if you are interested in knowing more: Rick Clemons

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Words from A Gay Dude Who’s Been There

  1. If I knew how to make the suffering optional, I’d take it! God knows there’s been enough pain and suffering for us both. I’m the straight husband of a wife who finally came out to herself and to me after 34 years of an increasingly sexless marriage. And now it’s a totally sexless marriage, because we’re staying together, and neither of us is looking elsewhere. But there’s no desire on her side, nor can there be. She’s a lesbian. So she’s given up on pretending and trying to be straight. And yes, we can hope that with the changes in our societies, fewer couples end up like us in ‘mixed orientation marriages’. But we’re there, and we’re trying to enjoy the many things that we share (Not children. Would that have made it any easier?). And I struggle with rage against professional therapists and spiritual counselors who knew of her same sex attractions years and years ago, and strongly recommended her NOT to talk with me. And who then had the nerve to advise me to try to seduce my wife, to work at wooing her!!

    1. Brassyhub,

      Reading your words made me feel angry and disappointed for you. The therapist thing: total B.S. and I am with you in your frustration. Thankfully, the therapist that my ex and I saw was not like your experience.

      I remember in my own naive thinking that I could woo my husband and everything would change. The few times that I intentionally did that, things ended in empty heartache. That wasn’t what my therapist said to do; that was all my own convoluted thinking that his sexuality was a choice he could make. I did eventually move toward acceptance that I couldn’t change him, but the in between was very painful.

      I would say that children could be a blessing in it, or a curse, depending on the relationship you have with your spouse. For me, it was a blessing. But that’s because of my husband’s character. He was a good dad and generally a good husband until things went awry. He tangoed with me as we traversed our eventual amicable divorce. However, for those who have kids and an a-hole of a spouse, the only redeeming factor about having kids is that you are forced to see your kids as the only blessing that came out of the marriage. I didn’t have that experience, but I have chatted with many who have, and the pain is indescribable.

      Thanks for being you and being transparent. I know that being a husband who has a wife who comes out is even more difficult to find support. Lots of groups seem to be inundated with women who have husbands who come out, and the opposite scenario often leaves men feeling a lack of support from the straight spouse communities. Your journey and you sharing it will help others who stop by here, and I am grateful for you.

      Live Life, Love Life, Impact Others,
      Emily

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