Giving Advice

When your spouse comes out to you, the burden that they have secretly carried is lifted off their shoulders, more or less, and gets placed squarely on your back without consent from you. It is an awful thing to grapple with, and while they can finally be free to begin some sort of a process of usually moving on (even though it certainly isn’t easy for them), you are left holding a huge weight that you never expected to have to carry.

Unfortunately, our modern world often leaves us feeling ignored while their bravery is celebrated. It is most often left to us to pick up the scattered pieces of our narrative, without much support from society…and sometimes from the people closest to us.

This happens time and again to us Straights.

I am preparing a TEDx talk for this coming January that addresses the above issue in part. It is pretty exciting for me personally, and I hope I represent us well.

This is the first thing my students see when they walk in my classroom at Rainshadow Community Charter High School.


This morning I read an excellent post on the Straight Spouse Network’s blog section. In it, they set the record “straight” about some poorly handled advice given in a column from the UK. I couldn’t have said it better myself, so I thought I would share it with you. My hope is that it helps you feel encouraged and lends insight to those who may need to support you, when they are unsure to how to help.

The Straight Spouse Network is an excellent resource for many straight spouses. Thanks for stopping by here to get encouragement, too. You can email me anytime and I will always do my best to NOT say the things that the advice columnist in the UK did.

I get you. I love you. You are not alone.

Here’s the link: Giving Good Advice in the Worst Way -Straight Spouse Network

Live Life, Love Life, Impact Others,



One of my favorite songs ever by Stevie Nicks, “Landslide”



2 thoughts on “Giving Advice

  1. I have just received information that after 21 years together as the ‘super couple’ …my wife …gasp… May be gay
    I am absolutely blindsided. With no warning no notice no counsel… She dropped the bomb and took off with a lesbian ‘friend’ and refuses to text or speak with me . We were best friends partners you name it
    Our lives are so intertwined the fallout beginning is unimaginable. We live in two locations and have very cool lives . October we usually take off and travel. She is with a friend of ours who is gay and I have driven 10000 miles with a broken rib and our blind dog
    Seeking counsel from family and friends
    She had always been an avoidance addict and just up and ended the marriage. I started to connect the dots and yesterday I texted her and said ‘you talk to me or I shut down the checking Acct and the phone.”
    She called angrily seconds later
    After a brief horrible discussion I said’ answer me one question … Are you gay?”
    She relied angrily “none of your f-ing business !!”
    So the shock of divorce wasn’t enough
    Now this comes out
    She’s 50 and I’ve noticed depression after her mothers death 3 yrs ago, detachment , walls bring put up…and odd behavior. Well I am beyond devasted. I’m left to pick up not only the pieces of my shattered life, but now the marriage as well. Being an enabler to an avoidance addict … I did 90% of everything and now I have to do this . She said I’m ending the marriage I want a divorce’ she’s not ending it she’s running away from it.
    Her sisters said she always was a runner. And with no history of abuse
    What could she be running from?
    I figured it out
    The only one who knows
    Our lives our cool 2 location lives only work if both of us work. She leaves with no notice and the house of cards is falling. I will have to declare bankruptcy and do all these divorce proceedings myself
    I discovered many things on my ‘vacation’ be careful what you wish for
    I needed and wanted answers
    And 24 hrs ago I got some
    And it is beyond comprehension
    After the divorce bomb you get two emotions to choose from sad or mad that’s it
    Now with this more than likely discovery of her being gay
    This is a whole new category of emotion that I can’t even describe
    I can’t even cry hard because if my broken rib
    This is only about 50% of the story
    I sympathize with anyone not only going through divorce but finding out your spouse is gay
    I thought divorce was for other people
    We were married for life
    Shock betrayal deceit anger rage doubt despair inconsolable crying
    All of it
    I’m only 3 weeks into it and 1 day from finding out she’s gay
    This I know will be a long hard road
    I’m doing all the right things
    Seeking help self care blah blah blah
    She agreed to finally talk after 3 weeks of complete freeze out
    This will be in 2 days
    I’m scared frightened anxious sad angry and so sick of talking to her… In my head
    All that energy wasted
    I am battling
    Hour by hour
    Anyone going through this horror
    I feel for you
    Still in shock, I carry on
    She’s been
    A selfish coward by not speaking to me and running
    I deserve better
    We all deserve better
    The real courage is not so much the ‘brave ‘ person coming out
    But us straight forgotten souls left to pick up the endless shattered pieces
    Thx for listening

    1. Wow. Paul. Thank you for sharing with such raw transparency.

      While every single situation and marriage has its own uniqueness, there are similar threads running through your story that leads me to tell you that you are not alone. Not in the slightest.

      Would you mind emailing me? It will give me a chance to respond to you privately and possibly link you with other straight men whose wives came out of the closet (or in your case, denies it, in a way).

      Here is my email:

      My heart hurts for you.

      Emily Reese

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