No More Mr. Nice Girl

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It has been nearly 10 years since my husband came out to me, and while I contend that things are amicable at this point, every once in awhile, I still feel the twinge of not feeling so nice.

No, Devon, you didn’t do anything wrong today to deserve my pissed offedness. It is simply stemming from about four emails that I received over the last week from readers who are so fresh (like days) who have just found out their spouse is gay.

It makes my heart sink every time.

I think about the road and emotional roller coaster I went on, for a very long time. And I LOVE roller coasters.

But not that one. That one sucked.

I so desperately wanted to not be angry. The love I had for my husband, the desire to always be by his side no matter what happened, caused me to cringe whenever I felt the heat of anger rise up my neck. How could I accept being so angry at someone I loved so deeply?

Most of the time, I would try to ignore it and swallow my pain. However, when I did this too many times, I would explode with irrational words, almost like a pressure cooker threatens while screaming over the flame. I ended up hating myself for the words I would yell with vitriol, the irrational behavior I would portray, and the horribly unloving thoughts I would have.

So much for always trying to be nice.

I am no counselor, but I have a feeling my counselor would say not to let that happen. I needed to deal in a healthy way with each feeling and scenario.

Easier said than done. Thank God for counseling.

But over time, I began to understand that if I didn’t, I would end up a bitter shell of myself. At that point, I didn’t even know who I was without him, and it scared the crap out of me. I did know that I didn’t want to be bitter, so I learned to express myself, deal with my own shite, and accept the things I could not change. Really, I could only change myself, and that was tough enough.

I am not sure how to end this, except to say that I understand. I know what it is to try your hardest to be understanding and nice all the time, especially when you want to save your marriage, desperately. But sometimes, you just can’t be nice. You aren’t a person with superpowers.

But if you deal, look forward to a day where you will be okay, you actually will look back and see that you may be a half-breed Super Friend.

It’s okay to be angry. Forgive yourself when you aren’t nice. Just…don’t be a pressure cooker. That’s messy and dangerous.

I love you and I feel you.

Live Life, Love Life, Impact Others,
Wonder Woman

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7 thoughts on “No More Mr. Nice Girl

  1. Thank you for the timely post. My wife after ten years of blissful, intimate, passionate, loving marriage without any detectable warning signs dropped the “I’m a lesbian bomb” bomb about three months ago. We continue to live under the same roof yet an affair with another women developed, I’m crushed, she wants to be my friend and doesn’t understand why I’m angry. We have two young boys who need their to parents to provide a model moving forward of love (the post divorce kind) understanding, compassion, compromise and many other things. How do I, given the fact that my heart has yet to release the love for the person I thought I’d grow old with, not be angry to the point of bitterness? I know it will take time but this is not a luxury I have since our kids need us to settle this quickly.

    1. Mike,

      Whoa. Your story broke my heart.

      For starters, you have every right to be angry, whether she understands it or not. She may not have been a selfish person naturally, but right now, the only person she can see is herself and her desire to be “happy.” In the meanwhile, she isn’t capable of hearing you, based on how you describe it.

      What she doesn’t want to see is that any burden she may have carried over this, which you were unaware of, is now a burden you have been forced to carry, while she suddenly feels free of it.

      Which totally sucks. It’s totally unfair.

      As far as a divorce and your kids, each situation is unique. It sounds like she wants to move quicker than you, who needs time to process. It takes two to tango, and the only thing available to you is your own strength and fortitude to always do the right thing, even when she doesn’t.

      That also sucks. Unfair can’t even describe it.

      But back to the “always doing the right thing,” since you seem to be needing an opinion (keep in mind that I am not a counselor). The key is to keep the mantra of always taking the high road, whatever that means for you on a daily or hourly basis. You should always tell her how you feel, how you think things should be handled in light of the kids…and she will make the right or wrong choice, which is HERS to own. In the end, you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror.

      So does she. Which is totally fair.

      Be thankful, when you are able, that you are the one who is not doing the hurting in the scheme of things. She is. And while that may not give you comfort (or even the answer you are looking for), you can hold your head high and say: “I was the strong one. I was the one who tried my best for my family. There will be blessings from it, even if I can’t see it right now.”

      I hope you aren’t offended by that. Or that I was assuming something that doesn’t apply. You are not alone. You are stronger than you think you are, even when you don’t feel that way.

      So are your children. Remember, your family may be breaking up. Your marriage might not work. But…your love for your wife and the betrayed feelings you have are NOT the same as your kids. They will love their mom, even if they are hurt. But trust me, they are so strong!

      Do everything you can during this time to take care of you, even though the weight of the world is on your shoulders. In the end, you will love who you see in the mirror.

      Live Life, Love Life, Impact Others,
      Emily

  2. Emily, your reply to Mike so touched my heart. So much of what you told him, you could have told me. My ex is also so focused on his happiness, he doesn’t see or really care what he’s done to his family. I also know that in the end, I am the one who did everything for my family, who did the right things and who tried to make things right between him and his kids. I will always be able to look myself in the mirror. I don’t know if he ever will. This makes me sad for him, believe it or not. Thank you for this blog and for trying to help so many of us who are going through such a devastating betrayal by the person we loved.
    Mike, good luck to you. Be good to yourself and to your family. You can to that. The rest will follow.

    Jo

    1. As an afterthought, Jo, I am reminded of something that Gandalf said to Frodo in Lord of the Rings regarding pity:

      “Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo’s hand. Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill before this is over. The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many.”

      The sorry feelings you have for him create empathy. While you don’t need to give him what he wants and you should set up healthy boundaries, pity shows your character and loving heart. This will surely trickle down to your kids, as it has mine, and someday in the future, it will hold blessings for you and your kids… and maybe even HIM.

      Love, Emily, the Lord Of the Rings Fan

      1. Simply thanks, in light of all that’s occuring the wife and I went on what I’m calling our last date. I cannot quite describe the weirdness of having divorce be the topic durng Valentine’s dinner. The irony of a Romeo and Juliet opera with it’s tragic ending, more weirdness. In spite of all the weirdness, I was thanfully able to take away something from the evening. She’s finally (or at least temporarily) recognized that no amount of vagueness in order to “not hurt me” can disguise the hurt. Frankness and honesty although often pretty raw allow me to process the truth rather than wasting emotional reserves filling in the blanks. The second but overwhelmingly more important thing is this honesty has given me a different perspective on our past. Since this whole damn thing strarted I have questioned the authenticity of our past. She had have known this and our entire relationship was a fraud thing. I don’t know specifically why but I believe her when she tells me she did have desire in her heart for me and if she could put the genie back in the bottle she would because she loved me and loved being married. Our past was real. In light of this my emotional burdened has been more halved. It still hurts having the future, however uncertain, ripped away but not having to grieve the tangible past is a relief. I’m looking forward to the day when my children ask me how I met their mom knowing what I tell them is so very true. Today I’m at much greater peace.

      2. Yes, your entire marriage was NOT a sham. It was real. She wouldn’t have married you if she didn’t love you, even if her love seems convoluted in the present. I have been there, Mike. I am so glad that you have experienced a small amount of peace right now. Those will become more frequent as you keep moving forward.

        You are loved, and appreciated. By your kids, by me, and all of those who are reading your transparency.

        Emily

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